How To Suck Your Own Cock

Courtesy of Brian Moylan for Vice.

Come on, you know you’ve tried it. If you have a penis, a mouth, 15 spare minutes, and even an iota of curiosity, you’ve tried to see just how close you can get your face to that pesky little pecker you carry around in your pants. That’s OK, man has been trying to get that thing into his mouth since the dawn of time. Unfortunately, most of us can’t do it.

The worst part about that one inch that keeps your dick head from your sweet, sweet lips is that we know there are guys out there who can actually bridge that abyss—and they’re not even contortionists or freaks with a whole foot of pipe in their briefs. These are just normal guys who have the gift of self-pleasure.

Here are some tips from two different guys who can both fellate their own little fella. One is Deviant Kade, an adult video performer who often performs his penile parlor trick for the camera, and the other is a young man named John who didn’t want his real name used because he doesn’t want to be forced to throw his legs over his head at every party he goes to for the rest of his life. Here’s what we can learn from them.

Be Thin

Both of our guys are on the lean side, weighing in at 130 pounds (Kade is 5’9″ and John 6′). Unsurprisingly, it’s much easier to reach your dick if you don’t have a big belly in the way. Dick size, however, doesn’t seem to matter all that much. Both guys are about seven inches hard, which is on the more generous side of average, so it seems body type is more of an issue than endowment.

Loosen Up

An advanced appreciation of downward dog isn’t necessary, but both guys stressed the importance of stretching—especially the neck. Don’t only get limber on the day of your big try, but spend a week really seeing how far you can stretch your torso and everything above your shoulders. Kade even recommends loosening up with a warm bath. As if putting a dick in your mouth wasn’t gay enough already.

Get Hard

John says, “If someone can do it soft they should be given an award.” Isn’t sucking your own dick reward enough? Anyway, both guys say the harder the better. Kade uses a cock ring to achieve maximum rigidity and to keep his stiffy saluting even if his neck hurts or he gets frustrated that it’s not as easy as usual.

Pick a Position

Kade prefers to lie on his back and lift his heels in the air, bringing his cock toward his mouth. He does it on the floor or another hard surface because a bed has too much give. “One way you can do it is on your back with your head against the wall, and then walk down the wall as close as you can get it.” A pillow under the head helps not only for cushioning but a little extra lift.

John, who discovered he could self suck while taking a shit with a boner (a particular neurosis we won’t even get into) prefers a seated position where he bends at the waist and brings the head down to the promised land.

Get Help

Kade says that the first time he reached his own pleasure dome was with the help of a girlfriend who pushed down gently on his legs to get his dick over the finish line. He’s had great success pleasing partners both male and female while pleasing himself. He says they’re always amazed and amused and happy to help. Now, you might be asking, “Why would you want to suck your own dick if there’s someone else there to suck it for you?” I’ll answer that with another, very obvious question: Who doesn’t want to suck his own dick? Maybe you should go read another article about cat cafes or something.

Be Prepared

Not only do you need to accept the inevitability that once you achieve success in this arena everyone is going to want to see your sexy secret, but there’s another surprise you need to get ready for: cumming in your own mouth. Most (straight) guys haven’t experienced this before, so there might be some gagging involved. “It’s a shock the first time you cum in your mouth. It’s a surprise, because you can do it,” Kade says. “You’re more excited about doing it than caring about the cum. ‘I just came in my mouth. That’s amazing!'”

Now everyone start stretching and give it a whirl. And maybe have a phone near you in case of an accident. It will be a lot easier to call a sympathetic friend than an ambulance full of EMTs who will laugh at you.