Getting Laid in Atlanta

Courtesy of Business Casual, DJ Toyota Fest for Vice. 

As Eric Rudolph learned the hard way, you can’t blow up the gay dive scene in Atlanta. It’s just too strong. Whether by dint of heat or from being sequestered on a 100-square-mile island of sanctuary amid a sea of churning, virulent homophobia, gay Atlanta comprises some of the weirdest, most awesomely fucked-up queers in the country. Here’s where you can go to meet them and their penises.

CHESHIRE MOTOR INN

Everything smells like piss and jizz and you may get a staph infection by sleeping on the beds, but if you leave your front door open, men will walk in to have sex with you. It’s also a good time looking up this place on Trip-Advisor and reading all the one-star reviews from outraged straights. 1865 Cheshire Bridge Rd.

TRIPP’S

It’s always empty and looks like someone’s shitty condo but you can give yourself a nice case of alcohol poisoning for about ten bucks. 1931 Piedmont Circle.

OPUS 1

A small, creepy room off Cheshire Bridge filled with old gay methheads who are really into 90s alternative music. They host “Lights Out” parties where they blacken the doors and turn off the lights to let geezers play with each other’s wrinkled ding-dongs all night. 1086 Alco St.

BJ ROOSTER’S

This place is a trashy go-go boy bar that tries to look “nice.” They have private rooms that look like batting cages where you can get a blowjob from a go-go boy for a couple bucks if that’s what you’re into. 2345 Cheshire Bridge Rd, #1.

THE HERETIC

Often called “The Scary Dick,” and for good reason. Most of the guys who show up have spent their evening beating off to XTube and are desperate for human contact. Everyone is frightening and huge and will fuck you within an inch of your asshole’s life in the infamous “Hall of Shame.” There’s also a store inside where you can buy VCR head cleaner to huff on the dance floor and condiments in case you feel like tossing anyone’s salad. 2069 Cheshire Bridge Rd.

MARY’S

A cool gay punk bar most nights, on Saturdays they do karaoke hosted by a black midget. Most of the karaoke crowd is made up of lame suburban types, although every so often you might be asked to break up a lesbian fight. 1287 Glenwood Ave.

THE NEW ORDER

Located behind a Piccadilly’s Cafeteria in a strip mall, it’s basically a gay nursing home. Patrons skew 50+, which can be depressing, but they’ve got strong drinks, a free popcorn maker, and a pretty decent lending library of drugstore romance novels off to the side of the bar. 1544 Piedmont Ave, #124.

MODEL T’S

This is where all the Ponce hustlers hang out since the Phoenix closed. The drag queens here are exceptionally brokedown and most of the regulars are hardened Ponce vagrants who won’t even look at you until their end-of-night psychotic episode. 699 Ponce de Leon Ave, Ste 11.

FRIENDS ON PONCE

And this is where all the shitty drag queens from Model T’s come to take their breaks. There’s always a good tranny fight, homeless dance battle, hustler-with-AIDS drama, or botched drug deal to gawk at. Also, the manager is a 400-pound queen whose office is filled with Beanie Babies, people will trade you drugs for just about anything, including makeup, and the drinks are as cheap and stiff as the cocks. We love this place. 736 Ponce de Leon Ave NE.

THE EAGLE

The Atlanta franchise of a nationwide chain of leather bars, this is basically your one-stop shop for watching any kind of fucked-up S&M scenario you can think of while talking to a guy wearing only a jockstrap about his law practice. Chicks are strongly encouraged to stay away. We’ve never ventured into the bathrooms, but supposedly there’s a guy in medical scrubs who hangs out there most nights and will drink your piss. 306 Ponce de Leon Ave NE.

If you haven’t managed to get laid at any of these places, the video booths underneath Inserection (1739 Cheshire Bridge Rd) are all outfitted with glory holes. Happy cruising!