How To Jerk Off At Work

By Brian Moylan for Vice. 

Face it, work sucks. No matter how much you love your job, there are still a million things that you would rather be doing than wasting away in a cube, deleting countless emails where your stupid workers replied all when they didn’t need to, and sneaking away to websites like this for a little break to maintain your sanity. Know what you would rather be doing? Sitting at home in your underwear and watching Judge Judy while you fumble with your naughty bits every so often. Well, you’re going to have to skip the Honorable Judge Sheindlin, but you should be able to go rub one out in the middle of the day to make the drudgery just a little bit more bearable. Here’s how.

Get in the Mood

No matter what you do—even if you’re a pornographer, artisanal dildo maker, Jessica Alba’s nipple-tweaker, or Victoria’s Secret dressing room security guard—your job is not sexy to you. In fact, it probably kills your wood faster than a naked grandma pooping on a kitten. If you’re going to sharpen your pencil in the company supply closet, you’re going to have to get it aroused first. Your work computer probably blocks porn, so try sending some dirty texts to a regular sex partner. They don’t have to respond (this is “How to Jerk Off at Work” not “How to Get Laid at Work”) you just have to get thinking about the nasty for your parts to do what they’re supposed to.

The Corporate Washroom

Obviously you’re going to head to the bathroom. Duh. Just make sure you lock the fucking door. If your place of business has a single operator rest room, then you’re in the clear. Pull it out and do what you learned inside that tent at camp in sixth grade. If there are a bunch of stalls, take the one furthest away from the door. Letting people think you’re dropping a deuce will give you that much more privacy. If you are a construction worker and your bathroom is a port-o-potty, please don’t jerk off in it. That’s gross. Just go do it in your pickup or something.

Know When to Say When

Sometimes, especially in a shared bathroom, you’re going to have to pull the plug on pulling your pud. You know, like if some asshole comes in and starts taking a really juicy shit in the stall next to you. Also, you have about ten minutes in there before someone suspects something kinky is going on. This isn’t one of your hour-long stroke sessions in your bathrobe. Go in there, get it done, and get back to your desk before people start sniffing around.

There’s an App for This

If you want to start doing this all the time (and really, who wouldn’t), maybe load some porn clips onto your phone so you can prop that up on the toilet paper dispenser and get some full on Dirty Girls Bukkake Panty Raid 8 to help get you out of there faster. Just make sure that shit is on mute. Don’t bring headphones into the bathroom. That’s fucking creepy. And gross.

Destroy the Evidence

If you jizz on the floor or the stall wall like this is some kind of coin-operated arcade on the 42nd Street of the 70s that you were probably too old to visit, some stodgy asshole will complain and then they’ll be monitoring the bathroom. Congrats, you ruined it for everyone, asshole. Just shoot in some toilet paper and flush it away. Or you could blow your wad in your hand and eat it. Whatever.

Close the Door

If you’re some corporate fuck with your own office, then you can always just close the door and wallop your wang in the privacy of your own little suite. Just make sure no one can see just what you’re doing through the glass that opens out to the rest of the office. Maybe always keep your blinds closed just for these occasions. Now, if you don’t have an office and your boss does, maybe next time he’s away you should go for a jack in there. This time, be sure to come on something, maybe in the vicinity of the trashcan. It just takes one nosy janitor who likes to gossip and your boss’ reputation is as shot as your load.

Get Creative

If the bathroom isn’t exciting enough, maybe you should try some other private areas of the office, especially when it’s so early no one is there or so late everyone has gone home. This is sort of like fucking someone you just met without a condom: so dangerous it’s twice as fun, but so stupid you could possibly die. Just make sure there aren’t cameras—you don’t need to be going viral.

If You Get Caught

Well, you gotta just go with it. Don’t be all Larry Craig and be like, “I have a really big dick and I was just trying to tuck it away so I could go number two.” No one is going to believe it. Just hope your boss is a man and understands the urge, or else you might be free to look for a gig working the counter at a porn store where you could, most likely, just jerk off all day long without anyone giving a shit.

Wash Your Damn Hands When You’re Done

You’re not a fucking savage.