J: When did barebacking become a way of life for you?
A: I’ve done porn for a long time now. Condoms were always used when I first started. That’s just how it was. I’d go bareback in my relationships, and I loved it. When I became poz, I had a negative partner so then we had protected sex every time, too, and the pleasure that I got from barebacking in a relationship was taken away. It was very depressing. Then sites like BBRT came around, and I was meeting loads of other poz guys that I was attracted to, and we all wanted to bareback. It was a reliberation for me. It was time to put away the condom and not feel guilty about it. I met Liam a year later and he wanted me to shoot with him but I said no because I had promised my partner at the time that I wouldn’t do anymore porn. But then we broke up, so I went for it! I loved it. Shooting with Liam felt so naughty and so good. It was the end of a long realization that I wasn’t the only one who was poz and that there were other guys out there who were barebacking and having amazing sex.
Being poz changed a lot of things for me. When I first was diagnosed I thought it was a death sentence. But now it’s liberating. And I can’t really gain weight now, so that’s nice, haha.
J: What has been your favorite scene to shoot with TIM?
A: Augh, that’s such a hard question! Let me think. There are a couple, the trouble is that I’ve fucked so many guys that I can’t remember all their names or even the names of the movies! I think I’m going to say the scene where I fucked Jake Scott in my apartment. I can’t remember the name of that film, though [Slammed]. Ask Liam, he’ll know. Liam always knows when I’m enjoying myself. My cock won’t go down. The cock doesn’t lie. It’s my own personal lie detector, haha. “Is he lying? Check the cock!”
J: Back to your Instagram for a moment. You’ve been wearing a great new cape lately, which I love because I always wanted to wear a cape when I was a child. Is there a story behind how you got it?
A: Ahh! Yes, I love it! A friend of mine is a fashion designer. He’s Swedish, too. And it came up one day in conversation that I was telling him that, like you, when I was a kid I really wanted to wear a cape, and he said that he would make one for me. I was seeing a lot of women in London wearing capes out, so I figured “why not a man?” I think it’s so hot.
That’s the nice thing about getting older is that I don’t give a fuck what people think anymore. It reminds me of my mom a bit. When I was younger I thought she was absolutely bonkers. She was a very strong feminist and she would wear whatever the fuck she wanted without worrying about what other people thought. To me it was insane, “how could you not care what people think?” and she would tell me, “don’t you worry about what other people think.” As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten to think more and more like her.
I was just in Paris where this girl at the bakery saw my cape and was gushing, Oh, it’s so beautiful! Did you get it in Paris? I told her, no, no, that it’s Swedish. I don’t even think she was listening, she just kept saying C’est magnifique!
J: I’ve gotten a few invitations to go to Sweden with my friends over the years, and I really want to visit. What’s a really good phrase or word to know in Swedish for people that want to travel there?
A: Haha, I suppose it would depend on what you want to say! For the average reader of this blog I would guess that knulla mig would be useful.
J: What does that mean?
A: “Fuck me.”
J: I’ll take note of that.
A: I guess something a little more generic would be ha en bra dag, which is “have a good day.”
What you really need to know in Sweden is a little bit of the etiquette. Let’s say that you invite someone over and you offer them a drink and they say no. Well, it doesn’t really mean “no.” So you offer them a drink again. They’ll say “no” again, but it still doesn’t mean no. You have to ask them a third time before a Swede will say “yes.” It’s a very Swedish mentality where they don’t want to be intrusive. Unfortunately when I got to France they don’t have that custom there, and that mentality was so deeply held that I never got anything. Ever! Ever! I went years without someone getting me a drink! I’ve adjusted myself now, but I don’t even drink that much so it doesn’t really matter.
J: That’s so funny! This next question is a little vague, but that’s what I love about it: what is something that you really love?
A: Something that I love? Like anything? There’s so much. I love painting. It relaxes me, especially oils and acrylics with strong colors and shapes; I love traveling. I prefer to travel alone if I can, since I experience things better when I’m alone. It can be lonely but I need it. Again, I think it’s part of growing up in northern Sweden that I need my solitude; films. I love almost all films. There are very few I don’t like. It’s something that Liam would call an “unspecified like.” Whereas he hates all the films he sees, I love them all.; I love my friends. I don’t have very many of them, but the ones I do have, I have a very close and deep relationship with. It’s the opposite of my brother. When we were in school I had, like, five friends, but he had many, many friends; I love being busy. I like being proactive with projects and things to do.
J: What’s something that you really hate?
Rudeness. It’s something that absolutely pisses me off. Like my old architecture boss. He was so rude that I couldn’t believe it. I hated that job; I hate ignorance; I hate it when people say that I said something that I didn’t. There will be times when I fight with Deano, and he’ll say that I said something that I think I didn’t, only to remember later on that I did, haha! But in those moments where I think I didn’t say something I’ll be furious. Generally I don’t get angry anymore, which is nice. I used to get very angry at a lot of things when I was younger.
J: You’ve spoken in the past about Dean, and wanting to adopt a child, and more “normal” things. And a lot of people see that kind of life as conforming to an oppressive hetero culture. Obviously you don’t see it that way. Can you explain how you see it?
A: For me it’s very personal. I was a foster child and later on I was adopted by my mom. My adoptive mother, but she’s my mom. I don’t think that it will happen for me realistically that I’ll adopt. It’s something I want to do, though, because so many kids have bad parents or bad living situations, and they aren’t lucky the way that I was. My mom’s strength really changed me and influenced the way that I think of family. I do think that kids are a stepping stone in life, and I want to — “repay” is the wrong word, but it’ll have to do — repay that strength and that luck to other children who don’t have that home. It’s not conforming. To me it’s more than that. I explain to people a lot in terms of pets. You have a dog, and you love your dog no matter where it shits or what it ruins, and your dog loves you because, well, it doesn’t know anything else. It’s an unbreakable closeness but the dog doesn’t understand why it loves you. I want to be able to share that closeness with someone who understands that feeling. Adoption, it’s not just a good deed to me, it’s the closest relationship I feel I could have. It’s a different kind of love to give and to receive. It’s unconditional.
J: You say that you don’t think it will happen. Why not?
A: Mostly practical reasons. London probably isn’t the best place to raise children. Dean also doesn’t want one. Dean is very practical, and we even got married for practical reasons.
Instead I volunteer for a youth organization. I meet a young person every three weeks, and we spend the day doing activities. The park, the zoo, whatever they want. I enjoy it, the kids I’m with seem to enjoy it, haha. It’s nice for them to talk to someone outside of the foster system, but who knows a little bit of their history and what they’re going through.
