My fascination with sex, men, and pornography, has always left me feeling like the odd man out. Growing up as a fag in a small town in Alaska, you can imagine how easy it was to feel different. There was no one else around me who was more fascinated with men and their dicks as I was. I craved cock at a young age, and found myself lingering in bathrooms and shower stalls. Cock was the connection I craved. I started taking naked Polaroid pictures of neighborhood boys at age 12, and moved to filming them with my family’s home movie camera by age 13. When I was 17 I took my last paycheck from my after school job and bought a one-way ticket to Seattle, WA in search of finding other men like me.
I was always aware that I was different from the predominant culture, but my sense of loneliness only intensified once I realized that I wanted nothing to do with the mainstream hetero-normative gay culture that I discovered in Seattle. As a self identified pervert I was now on the fringe of my own radical sex culture and found comfort in being an outsider. I cruised for other men in parks, online, and relied heavily on a phone sex chat line, that in fact I still use today. I continued to photograph men and myself acquiring a decent Polaroid collection and countless stories.
Right before coming into Treasure Island, all those feelings of not fitting into a culture came rushing back. I was unsure of what working here was going to be like, who I was going to be working with, and if I would find satisfaction in shooting porn for the world primer bareback porn company. Now, after being here for a couple of months, and at the age of 30, I can honestly say that I have never felt as comfortable in my life as I do now. What once set me apart now brings me closer to a community of men that are becoming a second family to me. What once felt like a cultural liability now becomes my greatest cultural asset.
My goal at Treasure Island Media is to create movies that are representative of human struggle and triumph. Everyone grows up in his or her life struggling with something; I grew up feeling like I never fit in. I want to be able to produce movies that really allow the viewer to connect and relate with the story I am trying to tell. What I love best about TIM is that they bring honesty to pornography that is desperately needed. One of the biggest problems with the gay community is that we are not honest with each other. There tends to be a lot of division that is created amongst different groups, and we all need to realize that the more honest we all are the healthier we will all be as a community.
That divide is biggest when it comes to talking about HIV. There is still a huge fear within the community of “he’s positive or he’s negative.” Many men grow up with an internalized fear of themselves that so often leads to a life of drinking and drugging. I became positive at the age of 24. Before I serial-converted I was extremely HIV phobic. I had a lot of mythologies about HIV and how one contracted it. I thought that as long as I didn’t have sex with someone who was HIV positive I would be safe, and obviously I was wrong. Here are the facts: It is safer to have bareback sex with a person who has HIV and an undetectable viral load, than a guy who “says” he is HIV negative. It is a fact that no one has ever contracted HIV from another person who has an undetectable viral load. No doctor will publicly tell you this, but many have told me this in private.
Becoming HIV positive has truly changed my life for the better. I look at life differently now, and HIV has forced me to reckon with my own mortality and personal fears. I now see life for what it is, I take more chances, I have less-regrets, I make more mistakes, and I truly feel like I am alive. I no longer live in a world of fear that I once was so encompassed by. I can truly be the faggot that I have always wanted to be, do what I want to do, and fuck the way I want to fuck.
The films that we make here at Treasure Island Media are real. They are about real men in real environments. They allow our world audience to connect with their desires through film. TIM has built a culture here that allows men to embrace every aspect of their sexuality. I love bad boys, men who take risks, men who live on the edge of cultural expectance. While being here at TIM, I hope to share with everyone my story. While I am the first to admit that my story is not t unique, it has been my personal journey and by sharing it I hope to encourage other men to live their lives to the fullest. My story is one of being a gay, being young and living with HIV, being fearful while learning to becoming fearless, and loving the twisted animal side of sex. I will continue to push the boundaries of porn and take the necessary risks that are needed to explore what’s possible with a man’s sexuality. Sex to me is just as much mental as it is physical, and I want to live my life the way I have sex, and that’s with no boundaries and NO LIMITS!
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The same thing happened to me when I was diagnosed. The worst thing you thought could happen to you has, but you are still alive. After that what is there left to fear. I felt free. Finally free to be myself and live in the moment. I am healthier now than I was before. I have lost 15 pounds from this picture (through diet and exercise) and have the dream of one day being a model for you guys.
He is a very good promise. I like him.
I appreciate your story, Pony. Especially the destigmatizing of HIV. Unfortunately we live in a world where HIV is scary to both POZ and Neg men. I appreciate your honest and forward approach to your own desires and those you wish to convey thru your work.
We're lucky to have you, Pony.
Becoming HIV positive has truly changed my life for the better." was a statement I too had been known to say often when I was a young, positive, cum dumpster. Then I got really sick and realized that ALL the raw loads on earth weren't worth dying for at 35. Seeing life for what it is, taking more chances, having less-regrets and truly feeling like you're alive is difficult if you die 30 years earlier than you should. In my opinion this message is way more dangerous than any bareback film could ever be. I think your voice is better spoken behind the camera rather than in front of it. Trying to convince others that you live without any regret is an issue for you and you alone and I'm here for the raw sex not the life lesson about denial from a 30 year old.
Such a strong opinion. While I feel for you and your life situation, Pony is simply sharing his life experience, as you did in your comment. Should we deprive him of this opportunity to share his opinions? If you say yes, then does that mean we should also stifle your ability to do the same? Why stop there? Why not take away everyones opportunity to have a voice? Here on the T.I.M. Island, we are dedicated to supporting free expression – Whether it be infront of the camera, behind the camera, on a canvas or in a blog post, we have and will continue to share. Because sharing is how we express ourselves, learn, grow and find long standing human connections.
When I do not agree with someone, I will still defend there right to say it. I do not wish to deny ANYONE the right to there opinion, nor suppress anyone's voice (including my own.) I was not aware that my opinion would be viewed as anything other than the kind of free expression that T.I.M. Island is dedicated to supporting. I simply did not like the story because I found it disingenuous and, aside from the portion that was his "life experience," contained mis-information that could be considered dangerous.
Pony writes: "It is safer to have bareback sex with a person who has HIV and an undetectable viral load, than a guy who “says” he is HIV negative." This is NOT true! For argument, if we assume the guy who says he is negative is in fact negative, contracting HIV is more likely with the positive partner, undetectable or not. He continues: "It is a fact that no one has ever contracted HIV from another person who has an undetectable viral load." This is not an opinion-based statement but rather a nearly impossible-to-know ramble that has no basis in fact.
All this aside, my hope is that Pony will continues to share but that he might consider tempering his life lessons with something that seems a little more genuine because I felt like he was trying to sell me a used car during the entire story. I also hope that he might try to avoid describing his opinions as "facts" because, in my opinion, blanket statements filled with denial are always better posed as questions.
Pony seems like such a beautiful, smart, creative guy. I can't wait to see what he does at Treasure Island.
You speak for so many of us. Thanks!