HEY STRAIGHT PEOPLE, YOU’RE USING SEX DRUGS WRONG

Courtesy of Brian Moylan for Vice.

The continued acceptance of gay men and lesbians by mainstream America is sort of a double-edged sword. Homosexuals can now serve in the military (everywhere), adopt children (in many states), and get married (in a few places). But that also means that homosexuals can now die in war, deal with snot-nosed brats, and get bled dry by that skank who cheated with a hooker and now wants a divorce and thinks he can take half of my money. Fuck him.

It also means that some of the wonderful things that were kept in the darker nooks and crannies of the gay world are now seeing the light of day and, like most awesome things that gay people started, straight people are now discovering and totally ruining them. Take poppers, for instance. My straight friend Tom (name changed) texted me the other night and told me he had just used them for the first time. “It was a few seconds of wooziness,” he said. Unsurprisingly, he’s doing it wrong. So, for all you straight people out there who want to get hip to the gay sex drug of choice, here’s a little user’s manual so you can dive right in without hurting yourself or, even worse, embarrassing yourself in front of the gays in your life.

What is a popper? Does it have jalapenos in it?

Ugh, straight people. No, it is not something you order at the Applebee’s. Poppers are inhalants that homosexuals love.

If they aren’t filled with jalapenos, what’s in them?

Poppers consist of assorted alkyl nitrites, mostly isopropyl nitrite and isobutyl nitrite, but in the past, when poppers were first being explored by my homo forefathers, they were mostly amyl nitrite. But no one cares what’s in them, what they do is the important part.

You’re right. What do they do to me?

Mostly they make you feel dizzy and weird and headrushy. It’s kind of like a whippit, but you don’t get that WHAA-WHAA-WHAA sensation that is so common in whippits. Poppers also never made Demi Moore pass out and call the cops and then go to rehab, so there’s that. They make you feel really warm all over, particularly in the face. You might even blush a little. The other thing you’ll notice is, if you are using them in a sexual context, you will want every single one of your orifices stuffed at exactly that moment or to jam your various appendages into someone else’s holes. They don’t make you horny, necessarily; they make you want to fuck.

But I always want to fuck.

Well, duh, who doesn’t? But this makes you really want to fuck that very instant when you’re feeling all crazy.

Are they good for fucking?

Poppers are great for fucking. Why else do you think gays invented the stuff? They are especially great for getting fucked. What you won’t feel is that poppers loosen up all of your involuntary muscles, making a throat, vag, or butthole super easy to fill with a bunch of man meat (or whatever else you want to stick up there). That, combined with an intense desire to have every crevice of your body filled, means poppers are awesome for boning.

So I can get my girl to take it up the ass if she does poppers?

Probably not. That’s what jewelry is for. But once you get her to agree to it, this will make it easier.

What are the side effects?

There aren’t any, really. Not if you’re healthy. Personally they make me feel really dizzy and like I want to pass out, which is never a cute look. Poppers also dilate your blood vessels, so it can make your wood get a little bit softer. There can also be a headache, but it’s usually nothing major.

Can I use it with other drugs?

Because of stupid people and lawyers, we can’t comment on that. We will say, however, that you should DEFINITELY not do it with Viagra. Since they both mess with your blood pressure, you could end up with a heart attack. This was the number one cause of death at gay circuit parties in 2003.

What’s a circuit party?

Ugh, straight people.

So is this shit illegal?

Well, technically. They were outlawed for personal use in the 80s but there is a stipulation for commercial use. They’re now sold as “room odorizer,” “nail polish remover,” or, unironically, “video head cleaner.” As anyone who has ever knocked over the bottle will tell you, do not use them to odorize your room. That shit is nasty. And if you actually have a video head to clean, then please get back in your time machine and go back to where you came from.

Where can I get some poppers? My dealer?

Hell no, straighty. Just go to like a gay book store or a porn shop or something like that. Or go to that little Google box in this browser window and get to work. You can even order them on Amazon. But, just like you don’t go to a seafood restaurant for a steak, make sure you go somewhere gay to get your poppers. They always have the best kinds.

There are kinds?

Hell yeah.

What’s the difference?

Oh, not much. They all basically do the same thing. But, just like there are different kinds of pot or alcohol that do slightly different things, the same is true with poppers.

What do the gays use?

Now you’re asking the right question. Most have their own personal preference. Rush and Jungle Juice are probably the best known and both are pretty good. On the occasions I use them, I like Rush because it makes me feel like a queer at a pre-AIDS bathhouse. The leather daddies prefer what they call “English,” which comes in  a brown unmarked bottle. That shit is intense.

I’m scared of leather daddies, but I want to try poppers. How do I do it?

Just open the cap and take a big old sniff, like you’re holding someone’s jock strap in front of your face.

Ew, why would I do that?

Ugh, straight people. I guess just substitute “used panties” for “jock strap” there. Better? Good. Now close one nostril, hold the bottle up to the other side, and breathe deep. Go easy at first. You don’t want to take too much.

Why not?

Remember when I warned you about feeling woozy and wanting to pass out? That’s why. Now give it a try.

Holy shit, man. I feel like… Damn, I want to fuck something! Yeah, right now. RIGHT NOW! Woah, my skin feels all hot. Oh, now I’m back to normal. That’s it?

Yup, that’s it.

Ah, OK. That’s cool, man. Thanks.

No problem, buddy. That’s what we’re here for, to make straight people’s lives better. Now don’t go embarrassing us.