Hey fellow pigs and fuck monkeys. This weeks Brit-PIG entry is a tale of frustration, bad timings, wild goose chases and abject disappointment. I am not sure if this is a universal phenomenon, something which is only isolated to the UK or, hopefully, but I fear sadly not the case, a fuck tragedy which only happens to myself. So without giving the game away too much at the start I shall take you on a journey through the day of the NON FUCK.
In an effort to improve my performance at the gym I have recently started taking a supplement recommended to me by a friend called ZMA. It is a zinc rich complex which increases your natural testosterone output, thus, supposedly improving your stamina blah blah blah. However, another side effect I have noticed is a noticeable increase in my libido (If, those of you who know me may be now muttering, such a thing is even possible) coupled with a discerned increase in cum production and the, at times, embarrasing appearance of random hardons:
On the tube
In a supermarket queue
On the phone to the bank!
Now normally, I can keep my sex drive kind of in check. I’ll just go and have a wank in the bog or arrange a fuck in my lunch break on Grindr if things get too bad. Sometimes this takes all my facets of self control to not just say “fuck it” and take the afternoon off to go breed the day away. But generally, and on the whole, I manage to keep it together and YES, I am a total sex addict!
So on Monday, I left home for the gym at my usual time. Arrived all revved up for the first workout of the week and spent the next hour trying to hide the hardon poking through my shorts, because for some reason, the gym was unusually rammed with some seriously HOT men. I managed to make it into the changing room without arousing too much attention by kind of hiding my tent with my sweat towel. Once in the shower I could hear in the cubicle next to me that a couple of guys were fucking like mad! Instant Boner! Would it go down, would it fuck! So I had a Wank! Didn’t help much and i just ended up with sticky super glue globs of hot water denatured cum matted into my leg hair and I still had a hardon. I was trapped in the cubicle!
The guys next to me had attracted the attention of some straight guy in the changing room and he was banging on their door shouting abuse. To add to their predicament, I could hear them freaking out that one had not douched and that the shower smelt of shit. They sounded like they were in a much harder pickle than me and once my giggling started the hardon went down.
Walking to the office I started to feel horny again. So I opened scruff and grindr and had a sniff about. By the time I had walked to the office I was utterly stuck in a Grindr loop with about 15 different guys! The office snapped me back to the realities of work and I put them on hold till lunch. At lunch, all of them were offline, apart from one who resembled a greasy politician from the 80’s so there was no lunchtime fuck for me.
Mid afternoon the HusPig called me to say he was going to be out for the rest of the afternoon and evening with some old friends who were visiting town. That left me free to find some mischief of my own after work. So, on my wander back home at 6.30 I fired up the apps and BBRT again to see what I could find. Straight away I was invited to a “chill.” This is a new concept to me and I think it is a name of a type of sex party specific to London. Call me old fashioned, but a fuck party is just that, A FUCK PARTY.
I get there, and there are 7 horny guys sat around naked, not having sex but all very friendly and pleased to see me. They offer me some chems and I can see the table is strewn with paraphernalia, pipes, pins and powders. As I have a go on the pipe I look round the room and see that 2 of the guys are high beyond all reason, jittering and obsessing over making sure things are right. The other 5 are either just staring at me or looking at their iPhones. Not a good sign! I engage in some standard conversation and attempt to initiate some sex. None of them seem to be that interested! I have a raging boner and not one of them seem that fussed on sucking me or getting fucked. WTF! After 2 hours of maneuvering and trying to get something going I myself turn to my iPhone. I feel like I am trapped in Fuck Hell as some of them are really hot guys! After a further 30 mins, feeling pretty frustrated I make my excuses and leave to go to a guys place I just found on scruff. As I leave they all say thanks for a horny time and ask if I can come back some time. WTF!!!
Happy that I had left I headed to the new guys place. A 1on1 sounded like just what I needed! I get to his apartment block and there is no answer to his buzzer. I look back on scruff and he has gone offline. I want to scream, I am so fucking horny. After leaving him several angry time waster messages i decide to head home for a wank!
Passing the park on the way home I see 3 guys running towards the bushes and my cock twitches. At last, I can get some anonymous sex in the bushes. So I climb over the fence and head in the direction they went in. But where have they gone? They must be here somewhere. I wander around the park, feeling like a total idiot and feeling the sexual frustration building to intolerable levels. After 30 mins I decide enough is enough and head home.
Once home I open the laptop, find some random generic internet porn and furiously knock out a massive load onto my stomach. It took no more that 1 minute! I felt so unsatisfied but was happy to be under the duvet and just wanted to write the evening off. Reaching over to set the alarm on my phone and message the HusPig goodnight I couldnt resist one last look at scruff….. 23 messages! 8 different parties!!! All within the last 10 minutes!!!! AARRGGHHHHHHHHH