GUYS, IT’S TIME TO STOP SHAVING YOUR JUNK

By Brian Moylan for VICE.

There is nothing more disappointing than taking a new guy home for the first time and ripping his clothes off, only to find that he has “manscaped” himself to look like some sort of dude-shaped topiary. When I bring home a man, I want to see a masculine wreath of pubes around his dick, not a shaved walrus. Tragically, it’s becoming harder and harder to find a guy whose chest stubble won’t give you a rug burn or whose bare nutsack doesn’t look like a dismembered turkey waddle. Guys, this has to stop.

The social scientists over at Cosmopolitan recently published a study claiming that 95 percent of men now trim or shave their body hair in one way or another, a practice that has taken on the cringeworthy title of manscaping. I hate it and want it to die. Presumably, many other true lovers of the male form feel the same way. Body hair is one of the secondary sex characteristics of being a man, so why would anyone want to eradicate it altogether?

As much as it pains me to admit it, us gays are probably at fault. During the 90s, the gay aesthetic was dominated by the plucked and preened bodybuilder look. This, of course, spread to advertising (remember the billboard of shirtless Marky Mark in his undies in Times Square?), which seeped into the minds of straight guys and led to razor companies making products for guys who wanted to look like 14-year-old synchronized swimmers. There is also some aspect of female equality in this whole equation. As men began to demand that their ladies be as shiny under their clothes as Barbie dolls, women started expecting the same of their men.

Although shaving off all your pubes started as a gay thing, it’s now primarily straight guys who are doing it. John Marsh, the owner of gay porn site Fratmen, told the Daily Beast that the guys in his videos who get their Bic on south of the border are the straight models, not the gay ones. This has gone from being something that most guys thought of as sissy to something that is thought of as a prerequisite for getting pussy.

I’m here to tell you that it’s stupid. Yes, a little bit of deforestation may make your junk look bigger, but, honestly, the only person who cares how big it looks is you, when it’s in your own hand and you’re jerking it off. I’m not saying no one cares how big it is, but you’re the only one who cares how big it looks.

As for the rest of a guy’s body, there is no reason why you need to shave, trim, wax, pluck, or Nair for Menthat shit. Yeah, you might want to get an overly furry back under control (no one wants to fuck George the Animal Steele), but just let the rest of it run wild. There is nothing so good as letting someone rub their hand through a Magnum PI-style pelt. If a lady or other sex partner doesn’t like feeling a nice set of furry thighs rub up against them in the heat of the moment, then they aren’t worth the time it took to trick them into your bedroom in the first place. And unless you’re as buff as Mark Wahlberg, getting rid of all that fuzz will just make you look scrawnier, pastier, and sillier. The great thing about having a coat of hair is that it will cover up many imperfections. It’s like having natural Photoshop for your body!

Even worse than how prepubescent shaving makes you look is that it makes you complacent in the corporate conspiracy to turn the way we look into a consumer commodity. As I already pointed out, the main reason this disgusting practice is encouraged is because there are now products to take care of it. Marketing is telling men to shed their Darwinian protection against the elements, and men, stupid sheep that we are, are listening. Stand up and fight! Put down that Philips Norelco BG2040/34 Bodygroom Pro Grooming System and pick up a bit of pride in your masculinity. After all, nothing is more manly than doing what is right, not giving a fuck about anyone else, and sticking it to the man (no matter how gay that sounds).

Luckily the gays and hirsute stars like Jake Gyllenhaal are making Sasquatch a thing of beauty once again. Manhunt, the gay cruising site that your uncle uses, recently did a study that proves most homosexuals who use the internet for quick dick prefer men in their natural states. This means it’s only a matter of time before being au naturel is once again the norm. And I, for one, can’t wait. I’d much rather pick a little man-floss out of my teeth after going down on a guy than have another goosefleshy nutsack in my face.