Jul. 24, 2012 – D.J. is the modern face of the HIV/AIDS epidemic. He is open about his HIV-positive status, physically fit, in some ways healthier than he was before he was diagnosed, and on a clinical trial through the National Institutes of Health that requires four pills a day and a certain level of discipline and caution, likely for the rest of his life. (Alexandra Garcia/The Washington Post)
While some narrow minded individuals, including Zach Sire and his group of followers at The Sword choose to bash those living with HIV, making comments such as “please only have sex with other contaminated people,” we celebrate D.J.’s willingness to be open and honest about his life.
DJ had this to say in response to those individuals who choose to look at the world through a negative lens.
Please join us in supporting D.J. for bravely speaking out and sharing his story.
HIV is so NOT a death sentence. My father is 52 and has been HIV+ for 30 years. He was lucky enough to get on meds way back in the day when they were first trying to “do something” and has been on whichever witches’ brew is the current strategy for battling HIV ever since. My father’s partner is NEG and have virtually never used condoms and is in a study of men who “should be POZ” but aren’t because they have discovered that some people are resistant to HIV. My father–a sexually active bottom–has a zero viral load. I choose NOT to risk being HIV+, so I’m Mr. Condom when I play, but that is MY choice. People should get tested. People should know their status. People should be honest about it with partners. BUT there is no reason to demonize HIV+ people as pariahs as some still do even knowing what we know. It is NOT difficult to get the meds. The welfare system DOES provide assistance to people who cannot afford the meds and most insurances do too.
What DJ says is very true. My experience was somewhat similar although nearly 20 years ago just before the first wave of effective drugs became available. I was diagnosed when I applied for a new life insurance policy and had blood work. I was married, a father of two, and had been out to everyone except my grandparents for more than a decade. My wife was in no danger so don’t start with that bullshit if you are thinking about it. I too had a very close friend to whom I turned when I first found out.
When I told him, he hugged me and told me he was diagnosed in 1985 when it was supposed to be a death sentence. He was married at the time of diagnosis and had children who were in high school. His partner since 1988 is negative but knew from their first date. He made me realise that it was not hopeless.
Since then, I have dealt with amazing ignorance and prejudice with some of the worst coming from other gay men. When I listen to what they say, I am deeply disturbed at the level of general ignorance amongst gay men especially those who do not remember a time before HIV and AIDS. I blame my generation in part because we also stopped talking about it.
Yes, the meds are expensive as hell, but since the majority of us are covered by insurance, we are only talking about co-pays, which can be daunting as well. For those who have no coverage, there are often other options especially for those who live in larger urban areas or in states that have not been kept in a medieval state by religious fanatics in the Republican Party. I will grant that they would prefer to see all of us die since they are mostly about punishing anything they perceive as sinful, which almost never includes anything they do or say. But as I said earlier, some of the most hurtful and hateful prejudice comes from other gay people.
There are many in the gay community who claim that people like me and like DJ refuse to take personal responsibility. In response, I ask what it is for which I must assume responsibility. The comeback is “for being HIV+”. Now, this puzzles me. Neither I nor any of the people I know who are HIV+ rely on anyone else to take care of us nor do we think anyone forced us to choose actions that raised the risk of HIV infection. I don’t even blame the man who infected me although I do know who it was. I chose to have unprotected sex with him not once but multiple times. I did it even though I knew the risks. I do not need to excuse my choice because I did nothing wrong or immoral unless one is a fundamentalist in which case the use of or lack of a condom makes no difference in their judgement. I had sex without a condom so get over it.
Don’t get me wrong. If a cure was available, I would have my hand up in a heartbeat, but do not assume that I would never, ever, cross-my-heart-hope-to-die have condomless sex after being cured. Of all the choices I have made in my sexual history, freedom from latex is not one I will change. I have bareback sex. No exception. If a man chooses to have sex with me, he will do so with the full knowledge of my status and that when I mount him, I will not be using a condom. If I am the bottom, I will state my preference, and he is free to wear one for himself, but I know from experience very few will. He will need to provide his own, because I don’t keep them. I don’t like condoms for two basic reasons. They reduce sensation to the point I have difficulty maintaining an erection, and they are a total nuisance to put on and take off. I have broken more than one although it was much too late when I discovered it was broken.
Many of you will, upon reading the preceding statements, begin frowning and clucking like hens who see a snake in the hen house. Get over yourselves. I do not force my choice on anyone. I am not a rapist even if my sexual partner and I might role-play such a scenario. I have been approached by individuals who learn that I am positive and want me to give them the “gift”. I will give them the number of a really good psychiatrist, instead, and ask them to get therapy. I think someone who wants to be infected has deeper emotional issues that he needs to address, but I will not be the one to give him the virus. That is not inconsistent with my earlier views. I do not recommend anyone seek to be infected with the virus. Getting use to the routine is tough for some people, and the whole social stigma is a bit tiresome.
I am HIV+, and I refuse to be ashamed. I will not take responsibility for someone else’s choice. It is not my responsibility to ensure you make anything more than an informed choice. I won’t even point out that someone whose viral load is undetectable is unlikely to infect another human with anything less than a direct blood transfusion, and even that might not do it. The next response I usually hear is what about cross-infection. I respond, “what about it?” I choose to have bareback sex with other men who make a similar choice. No harm can occur to anyone but ourselves, and probably not even then.
So the next time you judgemental church-lady types are driving and texting, driving while talking on your phone, or having a few cocktails before heading home, compare your chances of harming someone with mine. Then let’s compare notes.
While no two people are alike, I have been, well, let’s say “not secretive” for many years. I’ve been poz for more than 25 years. But NEVER this publicly. So let me agree, ‘Well said.’
AGREED-26 years asymptomatic and healthier than most of my 50+year old friends.I know more about my body then the average,str8 people do,because I watch all my #’s,not just the HIV ones!When diagnosed,they(the doctors and nurses came in wearing what appeared to me as being NASA Space suits!They gave me 2 years and no hope,then just fucking left!To me,it’s morbid kinda,but my first two HIV doctors are long dead and buried,and I’m still kickin’!DJ,here’s to 100 years old,as long as we continue the thought of a long term condition like diabetes,WE WILL LIVE THAT LONG!
Gays are not the only HIV+ people out there. I know alot of HIV+ Straight Marines, Just because you are close minded and hate yourself because you can’t be who you want outside of your closed doors. Doesn’t mean you have the right to condemn us to your level of stupidity and nothingness. GOOD DAY SIR.
MARAVILHA
I think part of the problem is we live in a society where disease and infection is constantly fought. As responsible adults we make sure we wash, keep our kitchen clean,work desks, try not to sneeze on others when we have a cold etc.
Then people see gay guys opening talking about, essentially and knowingly spreading disease/infection through bareback sex, which doesn’t sit well with them.
Responsibilities are thrown out the window because it “feels better” with little or no care for the greater fight against HIV in our community and/or infections.
A lot of people don’t hate poz people, I think they hate their open irresponsibility when it comes to the prevention of the spread incurable diseases and highly contagious sexual infections.
But I do see the other side of it too, being a gay man, fighting the “instinct” to breed, it isn’t easy, definitely in the heat of the moment. It does always feel like your constantly dodging the “bullet”. So I see why some guys just want to become poz so they don’t have to dodge the bullet anymore and live a sexual life without that worry. But once you are poz, I’m sure you get many other worries too! So the grass isn’t always greener on the raw side!
The CDC just released a new report on HIV transmission risk that I hope will enlighten anyone interested in reading it.
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/law/transmission.htm
Thanks for the link.
Thank you for being honest…We’ll all die in the end, trust me I’ve been around before HIV & AIDS existed in this country, and in the front lines of the war on HIV& AIDS, pretty scary huh? So take your meds, eat healthy, and keep bottoming, because without you I can not be me…The top dog that I am…remember to show and do mercy for us old dogs that are still sniffing around you young bottom boys.
the point is if a person becomes poz of course he should be helped (medically etc) and not treated poorly because they contraced a disease, but i dont understand why anyone that has this information would play anyway but safely. i dont understand how someone is “proud” of having a particular disease. this only seems to be with hiv/aids not any other disease. now guys i am REALLY REALLY being honest here when i ask, can someone explain this too me why do guys seek this out or have sex they are certain will lead to hiv/aids. i am NOT bashing anyone but this has mystified me for a long time. what is the attraction to getting this?
I can see grotesquely large humans eating fast food, suffering in walking, using assistive devices. Do young people see the same for HIV here? No. You can’t see its initially invisible effects, and you don’t see it’s unprecedented and undeniable long-term effects, leading to early deaths, the process of which can be horrible. Do young people understand risk? Buff Blondy above is in his invisible stage; notably sick and wasting persons with AIDS didn’t make the director’s cut. It’s just like a big pharma advertisement. And, so, I ask this Paul Morris to disclose on this site his last 5 years tax returns and those of this company. When Romney needs to disclose his tax returns, so too does Paul Morris. How much money does Paul Morris make off of porn? Ask yourself that question and demand an answer.
How do you go from bashing this article cause DJ is hot to demanding PM’s tax returns? What the fuck? Get a life.
i think http://www.qpid.me is a great tool we ALL need to be using, poz or not. people need to be encouraged to tell the truth about their status and poz guys need to make sure they are getting medical check ups and know their viral loads and what not. the service “verifies” the last hiv/std test someone took. good information to know before you get down. you can’t always take someone’s word or what they put online. seek the truth! (or at least know when they were last tested and what the results were!)
its not a death sentence – IF you have access to meds. many people don’t because of where they live or they are too poor to afford them. Maybe it is too easy just to say “it’s no big deal” and promote bb sex. When for some people it may ruin their lives. We need more real information for young gay people, so it can balance out the growing “fuck bb as it’s not big issue” argument that is getting stronger in the gay community.
That’s the EXACTLY what I was thinking! Anti Viral drugs are VERY EXPENSIVE! You can’t just “get on the cocktail” as I’ve heard some people say…
Hey Mister, I’ve been poz for 10 years, never felt better in my whole life. You’re right, it’s not a death sentence anymore, I know diabetics who take more medication on a daily basis that people with HIV. You’re a brave man for speaking out, and because of your bravery it’s made me speak out for the first time on an open forum such as this. I did come out about my status a few weeks back on Max’s thread. Don’t worry mister, I’ve got your back and I’m sure heaps of others have also. Big licks and chews Mister 😛
DJ , thank you. Haterz gonna hate, and you set um “straight” , i appreciate that very much.
Me too. I’ve only been poz for five months and only have known it for three. The stigma has been the worse part. I still haven’t decided how open i want to be about it, but you inspire me. I think too that I am as healthy as I have ever been.
Sorry to say this, but you’re not as healthy as you’ve ever been. That’s because you’re HIV-positive now. The same goes for DJ.
I don’t say this to be hurtful, but rather to be realistic. I hope you’ll do everything possible to stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible. In my book, that means discontinuing barebacking given the additional risk it poses, but of course others have different views.
Good luck to you.
While you are trying to be realistic (Pick A Name), you don’t know me and thus don’t have any idea of my health status. Yes, I am HIV +, which is not one of the strengths in my health status, but because of it, I see my Infectious Disease Specialist regularly and have blood work done regularly, which monitors much more than just the HIV stats. I am a cancer survivor as well, for over 11 years now. I have given up drugs and alcohol. I quit smoking four years ago. I work out with a trainer twice a week and do cardio three times a week. I know for a fact that I am healthier now than I have ever been. It is not an opinion, it is a medical fact.
I do appreciate that you took a respectful tone in your reply, but, please don’t make sweeping generalized statements about things you are not aware of. Whether I continue to bareback or not is between me and my sex partners.
I admire DJ as well for being so open about his illness and I like the comparison to Diabetes in terms of managing the disease. Mine was caught early and thus I have not suffered the damage many people do before they find out. My numbers are still that of an HIV – person and I am on the one pill a day treatment that he mentioned. I guess by commenting and posting here I am moving towards living openly as an HIV + man as well. It was my first instinct to do so but I was advised to “chill out” and stop telling people as I might not feel that way after the shock subsides. So I have stayed quiet for a few months now as I let it all sink in. But I believe we all need to quit hiding in shame in order to overcome the stigma.
I’m HIV positive too. 🙂
hi can i chat with you privately? tnx
BB is fun on all, and I think folks should be careful and serosort for this…
but I know my status and practice safe sex with folks that are HIV+ I have no issue playing with someone that is poz. It’s a matter of know your status so you can do what you need to have a healthy life..
DJ, Thanks for speaking out from the heart. Its wonderful to have real people speaking the truth about HIV.
Big hugs, will write on this subject in my next blog, hugs anton Dickson
Well said DJ – so many people bash us HIV+ people through nothing but
ignorance. The more of us who speak out openly about living with the
virus, and our sexual practices, then the quicker we can fight the
stigma around HIV. DJ is to be commended for speaking so openly and
frankly about HIV. As he quite rightly says, it is no longer a death
sentence.