Courtesy of Seth Bogart for Vice.
For any self-respecting ’mo there is no sweeter plum than untouched hetero bum-bum. You might think it’s a gay pipedream, but this one guy we know has landed scores of straights. We asked him to give us a detailed breakdown on how he lures them over to the fag side. Apparently it involves witchcraft, which was really surprising to us.
Please keep in mind, however, that our author lives in San Francisco, which has about a gazillion times more straight males than straight females. Thus, we can deduce that a high level of hornball desperation might make the menfolk there a little bit more open-minded about who gets to touch their parts.
very time I tell my coworker at the hair salon about the latest straight guy I’m in love with, he says, “The only difference between a straight guy and a gay guy is a six-pack.” And while getting a guy drunk and molesting him after he’s passed out is one way of getting into a straight dude’s pants, there are definitely more creative and less rape-y ways of going about it.
Before I was barely even old enough to say the words “men’s room,” I was already rolling around nude with neighborhood dudes, JO-ing to stolen pornos with “friends,” and French-kissing by pretending to be a hot chick falling off a boat. (The boat was my bunk bed and my savior was the cutest boy in my fifth-grade class.) I always went for the hot hunks, but not the fruity kind. I wanted the future-BMX-champion, shaggy-haired, delinquent variety (see Over the Edge and The Outsiders for reference). I fantasized about my dad’s friends—one was a firefighter!—and I loved all of my older brother’s friends. In high school my first real boyfriend was a football player. So you see why the tweezed-eyebrow club-kid look ain’t really doing it for me. I’m not saying hot tough gays don’t exist but if skinheads and bears don’t get you going, there aren’t tons of choices left.
I know one day I’ll meet my Romeo, but till then it’s all about the “are they or aren’t they?” stud-muff dreamboats who rotate in and out of my life. And I will now tell you how to land them. Let’s start with what NOT to do: Begging, prostitution, and rape are no-nos. Getting down on your knees and begging is not attractive (except when it is!), prostitution can be pricey, and rape is a cop-out. Here are eight easy steps to being in his pants within a week.
Have a “Dudes Nite.” Invite the straight guy you like, your coolest straight friends (who know not to bust you out), and maybe another gay. But not one who will totally Judy out and scare your man away—or try to steal him. Actually, fuck that, it’s Dudes Nite. Leave those fruits at home. Dudes Nite can consist of the following activities: Watching Yo! MTV Raps, ordering pizza, talking about “babes,” eating chips and dips, and watchingEntourage or maybe a movie like Bad News Bears. Be sure to drink lots of gross beer like Milwaukee’s Best or anything with the word “ice” in it. Drugs are nice too. Make sure the couch is stuffed and you’re next to your crush. Don’t start Dudes Nite till 11 PM so the chances of your dude crashing at your place are higher. No matter how bad your girlfriends wanna come, DO NOT LET THEM.
FORM A FAKE BAND WITH HIM
Whether or not you play an instrument, ask him to start a band with you. Straight guys love to be in bands. Do lots of photo shoots before you practice at all. Convince him that image is everything these days. The photo shoots will have you getting progressively more and more naked. You need to see him shirtless and in his underwear! You have to eyeball the goods if you’re gonna put in all this hard work, right?
Spells are a last resort (we’ll get to that later), but this is an easy one so why not: Every time you use the urinal at a public restroom, spell out his name with your pee. I know it sounds really creepy but every time you do it, he’ll think of you.
KICK OUT THE JAMS
When he’s around, listen to his favorite music. That would be punk or rap. Rock ’n’ roll is cool too, but if you bust out Madonna or some electronic shit, he’s probably not gonna jive (and if he likes it—hi! he’s a homo already!).
ROCK THE LOOK AND TALK THE TALK
Let him borrow your clothes. Having him dress a little bit fruity is good. Fewer girls will try to scam on him and no gay can compete with YOU so now you’re set. Now that he looks like you he has to talk like you. This is super-gay (not gay as in “me,” gay as in ghey) but text messages are great. Let your comedic genius shine. Inside jokes and slang or abbreviations you made up (or he thinks you made up) are the best. Don’t tell him you like him but you’d be surprised what a little flirting can do.
Don’t go to “gay events” with him. You gotta blend in with his world. Getting brute can be really fun. Shooting BB guns and going to monster-truck rallies have never been so great.
Jealousy is the strongest emotion on earth. If you’re not getting what you want from the straight, it’s time to bring out the big guns. Start with step one (Dudes Nite), only this time with his good friend as your main interest. Or when you’re out and about, get up in another guy’s grill and flirt away. He will miss the lavish adoration you bathe him in and act in desperate measures to get you back.
Now that your friendship is moving on, it’s time to have a slumber party. Watch a movie, eat snacks in bed. Don’t make a move, wait and see if he makes the first move. He probably will—he’s a dude. After a few slumber parties, if nothing has happened yet, it’s time to make the first move. Start with cuddling. Soon you’ll be kissing. My straight friend once said, “If you suck a dick you are gay, but if you get your dick sucked by a gay, you are OK.” Assure your dude that this is true. Most people will try anything once. Parts is parts, after all.
When all else fails it’s time for a SPELL. I did one once in high school and I only recommend it if you have tried absolutely everything else with no results. Here’s what you gotta do: Get a tiny lock of your obsession’s hair and put it in an empty pill bottle with water and two teaspoons of sugar. If you’re worried about obtaining a clipping of his hair, offer him a haircut or secretly snip off a lock while he’s asleep. Here’s where my twist comes in: I added a piece of penis pasta that my gay uncle had just given my mom as a joke gift. You can get penis pasta at, like, a sex shop or whatever. Once you have the potion all mixed up, put it in a safe spot and wait two weeks. He will become so absolutely bonkers in love with you, you’ll have to do a reverse spell just to make him leave you alone.
Heartbreak is likely in your future. Chances are he will develop a crush on you. He’ll probably fool around with you. He might even fall in love with you. But unless you get a sex-change operation, it’s probably not going to last. You might have a big dick, nice bod, and attractive chest hairs but he will always prefer the T&A and will probably be stolen away by some sooner or later. When you’re starting to feel bummed, move on to the next straight guy. They’re everywhere!