The month of February is like the state of Virginia: It’s for lovers. Cupid vomits all over Duane Reade, children go into diabetic comas from eating too much chocolate, and lovers stroll down the lane gazing into each other’s eyes. It’s the time of year when the couple that hated each other last week now all of a sudden seems crazy in love again and even your most unattractive Facebook friend has somehow managed to pair off. Here you are, left alone, miserable and without a Valentine. However, gay or straight, being single on the most romantic day of the year isn’t as bad as it seems. I used to get annoyed about being single on the most quixotic (get that SAT word) day of the year, but now I embrace it. Here’s why:
1. You don’t have to fake interest in some “romantic gesture.”
Let’s face it: Valentine’s Day is one of the only days of the year when people go out of their way to make some grand statement about their love for another person. However, those grand, overly romantic gestures are usually just cliché routines stolen from movies. A carriage ride in Central Park in below-zero temperatures or a ride on the Staten Island Ferry when you can barely feel your feet are cute in the movies, but in real life they give you nothing but frostbite and a head cold… not sexy. I know because I’ve done both several times, and both ended with me not only not having sex on Staten Island but being trapped there. I’m not sure which was worse.
2. You don’t have to partake in that last-ditch effort to save a relationship.
Many use Valentine’s Day as a way to save a relationship from the brink of destruction. On Valentine’s Day, those of you who are paired with someone who may not be “the one” but are too lazy to look for someone new may try to salvage the time and money you’ve wasted over the past few months or, even worse, years by going to extreme measures to compensate for the fact that you were never really a great boyfriend to begin with. So your partner is forced to fake interest in the huge teddy bear filled with candy or the tasteless assortment of chocolates that they never wanted in the first place and most likely will have no use for after Feb. 15.
3. You save money.
Not having a Valentine means not having to spend money on useless crap or an overly expensive meal that will probably cost you a lot less tomorrow.
4. You can save the acting for a more important event.
How many times have you had to pretend to like something that someone else gave you (and this includes birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)? When you’re single on Valentine’s Day, you don’t have to psych yourself up just to be disappointed by your boyfriend’s horrible gift or lackluster gesture. Now you can simply sit at home with your cat and thank Christ for the fact that the cat doesn’t talk back like every guy you’ve ever dated.
5. You can get hammered.
Now, I don’t drink anymore, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t (unless you have a problem with it, of course). Valentine’s Day is one of the best nights to go out with your friends and get completely shit-faced drunk and pray to God that when you wake up the next morning, you remember the name of the stranger who is in your bed.
6. It’s a great day to have anonymous sex.
Seriously, it is. Every single will go out on Valentine’s Day and try to have sex with whomever they can, so if you’re homely or a total loser like I am, take advantage of the day. This is your time to shine in front of every other poor single person who is looking to feel good about himself or herself, too.
Happy Valentine’s Day, fellow homosexuals! I sure hope this Valentine’s Day turns out better than mine did last year: I was trapped in Oklahoma City with my former assistant and briefly contemplated sleeping with him because there was no one else around.