Courtesy of Bert Burykill for Vice.
I feel like there’s a universally accepted idea that prison is a homosexual’s paradise based on very little evidence. I often hear that AIDS and rape are everywhere in jail, which seems like a gay man’s nightmare. Gayness inside prisons is a convoluted, confused concept complicated by the fact that it’s all dudes everywhere—and half the time it’s like a fashion show in there, everyone with so much time on their hands dedicated to trying to look pretty and impress.
Gay guys use different approaches to thrive and survive behind bars: Some of them love the attention and put themselves out there, shamelessly flirtatious with any dude who will play (which is quite a few). Other gays were clearly flamingly homo, but would refuse to admit it and colorfully back it up with a pack of lies, so everyone would get rec off of their stories about kids, baby mommas, ex-wives, and strip clubs. The amount of idle time in prison provides for endless amounts of storytelling, and most of the stories are pretty much 67 percent lies.
Imagine being a really horny gay dude and going to prison for a couple years. That’s basically like me going to hang out with 800 females at summer camp. However, getting ass isn’t a guarantee. Even though most people seem to think prisons are just a haven for massive gay fuckfests, I’ve been housed at spots where it is almost completely impossible for the gays to get gay. On the other hand, other spots have a bathroom in the yard basically designated for blowjobs and such or a bathroom in the basement next to the messhall exit where there’s just enough space to get freaky. Overall, I’d say gays are feeling a lot better about going to prison than me. I’d be almost excited if I was sent away for two years to live with 800 women. That’s much better than being a straight dude and having to fuck Suzy or even beat off by hand for a couple years. Gays in jail have the potential to really enjoy themselves.
I used to have dreams that my girlfriend got to spend a night in jail with me or they changed the laws and you could drag your spouse to jail with you and they were such good dreams. Imagine finding a lover in jail and riding that exhilarating romantic roller-coaster ride on the low, putting notes under the pillow, receiving secret handjobs, and long showers after a workout. It’d be amazing to go to prison and find someone like that, but then repeat the process every couple weeks due to supply and demand. I’ve seen gay guys get an UNDUE amount of attention in prisons before.
When I was at Hale Creek, there was a six-foot Yeti-like feller who had tiny boobies that gave a certain androgynous appeal to one homo-thug named Dubs (aka Walter Herring). Dubs was tough as nails, could easily press 225, and I once saw him knock a dude out cold, but he really liked the Yeti. He used to walk the gay to class and then follow him to the bathroom. I was lucky enough to be the TA in Walter’s class and hear him brazenly talk shit about “homo this” and “homo that.” Then, without the smallest hesitation he would follow the Yeti to the bathroom. Every time. They used to do the same thing when they were in the yard at the bathroom out there. They even had another guy who was down with free love who would guard the door for them. It sounds like a pretty amazing summer camp romance, no?
It was all fairy dust and moonbeams until Walter decided to take it too far. Supposedly, Walter was bored with blowjobs and he wanted to pound that ass so he got real aggressive and was hard-kissing the Yeti on the mouth and trying to pull the Yeti’s pants off. I guess the Yeti yelled and a cop even came in to check on the commotion. Walter’s dirty laundry got aired and he lost respect from heads—which led to him fucking up two people who talked shit about his extracurriculars.
So, I guess it’s not all fairytales and dreams come true, but being locked up still sounds better for a gay dude than for me. Even the gay guy who stays in the prison closet still gets to secretly admire what gets his dick hard. Imagine me in a shower full of chicks—it’d be glorious! Then again, it’s actually not that sexy considering 99 percent of the fellas wear boxers or shorts when showering, and usually the naked guy is some old fat hairy dude who simply doesn’t care anymore… he’s old-school and he lets his nuts hang. Lots of times if someone is even suspected of being gay, they end up showering alone all of the time. Eventually, they get a designated slot. Lots of the gays take early AM showers. If a kinda flaming dude comes in the shower, heads will actually leave. Prison is a weird world that is very homophobic but also accepting at the same time. As much shit as people talk about “chumps,” what I observed is that most of the time they were respected. Even if they were harassed it was usually done in good humor.
According to Gay Christian 101 somewhere between 20 to 40 percent of prisoners are homosexual or turn homosexual in the clink-clink. If I had to go back to that shithole again, I think I’d do the homosexual thing to achieve an overall better quality of life while bidding.
What is this gibberish?