I was pretty puzzled a few weeks back when I came across a press release concerning a prominent gay matchmaker who was calling for a 60-day moratorium on anal sex. I’m not so ignorant to think that all gay men like to give or take it in the butt, but I did always see gay dudes as anal pioneers. Despite great trials and tribulations, they took it in the butt for decades so that one day all genders and sexes could bask in the pleasure that dare not speak its name. Today, anal seems to be pretty banal—the Journal of Sex and Medicine found in 2010 that 40 percent of women between the ages of 20-24 have taken it in the rear at least once. So, who was this guy trying to roll back all the sexual progress we’ve been enjoying?
His name is Paul Angelo and he’s a highly driven, clean living, type-A gay Miamian from Poland with an MHA and an MBA. Even though he’s only 35, he’s made a killing hooking up other super successful gay men over the age of 40 through his website. I called him up at about the halfway point of his 60-day moratorium, which started at the end of December and is geared towards his target clients but has implications for all gay men.
So, how does one get indoctrinated into butt sex?
When gay males transition from their teenage years into early adulthood, there is a moment where the gay community tells them they will either get fucked or do the fucking. In my case, I bought into the idea that anal sex is normal and that there were no consequences to it.
But isn’t it normal? It seems like everybody is getting into anal love these days—even straight people. What’s so bad about it?
Well the primary result is pleasure. When you have sex, it feels amazing and you feel loved. It’s like a drug—it makes you euphoric. Some people even describe anal sex as an act of God.
So what’s the problem? That all sounds great.
There are secondary consequences. It does damage to one’s health because of the friction—the tissue there is not like a vagina and cannot lubricate itself. And the fact that it comprises the body in the rectal area contributes to a person not caring about other parts of their body.
Everything starts with small steps, right? Nobody becomes an addict, an alcoholic, or fat overnight. So, if you engage in anal sex, you’re more likely to do a whole bunch of other behaviors that violate your body.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with what fist-fucking is— that’s where someone puts a fist into your rectal area. That starts with just getting fucked and getting so used to it that you progress onto something more intense. A couple years down the road you have a fist or double-sided dildos in your rectum. From there it ultimately leads to becoming HIV-positive, because when you look at that kind of behavior, a person who engages in those activities is more likely to take more risks.
But gay guys love putting it in the butt.
Everything else is an option—like oral and tantric sex. Giving pleasure to one another doesn’t have to involve objects entering the anus. Perhaps we need to rediscover how gay people can get intimate with one another. Maybe men don’t know what it means to be sexual with one another yet, because we’ve resorted to something we borrowed from the straight community.
What do you mean by “borrowed from the straight community”?
Well, when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. But just because there’s a penis and there’s a hole doesn’t mean that the penis should go into the hole. There is a lot of copying and pasting from the straight community into the gay community. What I wonder is if you were to put ten gay teenagers on a remote island, without exposure to straight sex, would they, by themselves, figure out that anal sex is appropriate for them? Maybe that experiment should be conducted to find out whether anal sex is really “natural.”
You talked before about how good it feels. There are nerve endings down there. Doesn’t the fact that it is pleasurable mean we are supposed to have fun with our butts and that it is, in fact, “natural”?
Drugs makes you feel good, too. But all they really do is cover up the pain. Anal sex might make you feel good temporarily, but the moment you wake up the following day, nothing’s changed and you still have to deal with what you need to deal with.
Do you still get off on anal sex?
To tell the truth, in the interest of complete disclosure, I jerk off to porn with anal sex. That’s how programmed I have been by the gay community. I still find it attractive and pleasurable, but I know that it doesn’t make sense if that takes me away from my long-term goals. I stopped doing anal with my own partner about a year ago.
It seems like denying yourself something that feels good would just make you crazy and super horny, not get you closer to your goals.
I’ve seen tremendous progress in my sex life and my way of looking at who I am, and the same thing goes for my partner. He became a lot more successful in business. A lot of the masculinity that I think had been taken away from him by anal sex has returned and makes him more aggressive, which is good because he has a lot more opportunities open for him in terms of his career.
How does “no anal” impact gay relations?
A bottom, the person who receives anal sex, looks for a person who’s strictly top and rejects other bottoms. So all of their relationships are based on the mechanics of sex, and not on goals.
Do you think a gay man coming out against anal sex is ammunition for people who oppose gay rights or sexual freedom?
I’m gay and am looking at my behavior and being self-critical. That is the only way you improve and go in the direction you need to go to achieve what you want in your life. That’s the message. If every gay person on the planet is against that, I’m still not going to change my mind, because it worked for me.
What if someone says you’re wrong? And claims that healthy anal sex can be part of the road to success?
I’ve studied books from most of the success icons in business and psychology—gurus like Tony Robbins and Warren Buffet. I learned from them and I want to engage in behaviors that are moving me towards that level. So I will fire back at them and say, “OK, show me another person who’s highly successful in all areas of life that’s engaged in anal sex,” and let’s see if they can show me somebody.
I’d imagine there are plenty of rich dudes who like putting weiners back there.
I don’t think they will find anybody. When I look at the gay community, it’s devastated by HIV and AIDS, and the health departments don’t understand how it works because they’re all about safe sex, and safe sex doesn’t exist. Everything’s now moving into bare-backing and no condoms.
What’s your desired result with this anti-ass crusade?
Imagine a 17-year-old kid coming out in this environment—I can see why the highest growth in HIV cases is in the younger population. They go on the hookup websites and nobody cares about bare-backing, fisting, or all the sexual derivatives of anal sex that are putting people at risk for a lot of different things, besides even HIV.
So, you want to save the children from anal?
I think if somebody really likes it and it doesn’t hurt their body, OK. I’m not here to tell people what to do with their lives. But it is important for my message to come out, because people should be given an alternative. And maybe if it comes from a younger guy like myself instead of someone who has religious undertones or is from the straight community, people will listen.
What do you see as the future of gay butt sex?
I don’t think that the environment the porn industry and the gay community is selling is ultimately going to stick. I think when you look at health, when you learn about physiology and how the mind and body work together, I don’t see anal sex fitting in—whether we’re talking straight or gay. Ask doctors specializing in the area of the rectum if it is biologically correct to put something into the anus. Yeah, you can stick anything into the anus, but it’s going to hurt the body and we need to learn how to respect the body.